Two-Thousand-Nine

At some point in time, we like think we have things pretty much figured out. Like things are lined up the way we like to see them, but as time keeps its steady and quiet march, we usually find out things change. Sometimes for the better, and other times for the worse whether we expect it or not. Not only that, it doesn't matter one iota if we even accept what happens, because it just happens. We even have a hand in things changing for others whether it's known or not. It's like we did our thing to have this ripple effect on others, and be apart of the ripple effect from others. I'm still getting exposed to this, but it's a lesson of life definitely making itself known to me. People throw out these waves, big or small, and we throw out our own to our own circles. It's what we throw out there that makes other decide to either stay around or add distance in between to feel less of what's given.

I'm very guarded in how I approach people, or let others approach me. Nothing against anyone, just how I taught myself to protect everything I feel that is worth protecting. The shell of silence is easy to wear for me. I don't rush anything either, just let it play out how it will without me involved. The one spot I let that all go is around family, but that's to be expected. It's also, oddly enough, where I picked up these innate habits. I don't question it anymore, just accepted it as who I am. I can't pretend to be someone I'm not, so I work with what I know is there.

People are people and we have our own ways of interacting, distancing, working, accepting, reasoning, facing, giving, and just plain living out our lives as we see fit. Some may agree, some may not. Others may watch, and others turn away from what we show. I got to a point where it was taken down to bare basics, as in, I want to feel good about myself. Now without excuses, who is trying to help me do that for myself. Who is adding to me being happy with life in general. Who do I feel like I can add some sense of joy because they might need it, or just as a bonus for helping me out somewhere along the line. Those who didn't fit that small criteria got put to the side as far as feeling like I should go out of my way to go see or be around. I have my share of taking away from people's views of being content, so I try to just stop that altogether and let them figure out what they need to while I do the same with me. Whether they do or not shouldn't hinder me going that route.

I've hurt people, disappointed them, and flat out left them hanging at some point in time. Some people turned on me, and some accepted me as a person with faults and flaws to let me hang out still. Being shown that, I try to take that and apply it to myself. I'm not as strong to accept those inflicting damage or hindering my happiness to keep them around, but I see that as an option nonetheless. It's something I know I have to work on at some point in time. It's just hard to let your guard down though, when you know its a gamble attempting such a feat.

overthinking

Things are rolling on through as they are supposed to. A lot of times we don't 'get it' or understand why things work out the ways they do, but we really don't have to, they just take place regardless. Lately, things have been working out 'weird' but nothing too crazy or out of the ordinary. I'm looking on and seeing my part in these things and it isn't like a deciding figure or role, but around and still welcome to be there.

It's like things I used to worry about and get stuck on, mentally, are being shown to me as workable without my involvement directly or indirectly. I'm witnessing what I wanted to see for a long time, people handling their own in their own ways. There aren't many ways or opportunities to actually be able to change someone who's into their ways pretty deep. We think we can change people, but time shows us that people are who they are and their ways are exactly that, their ways. If we have it in our heads that nobody can say anything to us, than it's been decided that what they have to say isn't going to stick. The only reason I know this is because I've had more than my fair share of tuning people out.

I've been seeing that there are those out there that have come to terms with life in their own ways. They took the knocks, the ups, the downs, the lifts, the disappointments, the smiles, the losses, and used what they knew to accept it all. We all go through these things at some point. It's up to use to face them or try and deny they have any impact. Some people brush them off, some people dwell, some laugh it off, other's gather people around to talk about it, others distance themselves to figure things out, and so on, and so on... but it's up to us and the tools we've been accustomed to using to figure out what is taking place. I've gotten to a point where worry isn't as prevalent as it once was back when a lot of things appeared overwhelming. My attention is more on myself now and figuring out what's taking place with me. It's a slow process figuring out things, but at least I'm there working on it with my own two hands. It's not all going to come easy, and there aren't many things that are.

This is an unusual year so far, but I like what has been getting shown to me. I just need to figure out my spot now though.

Quietly...

Little bit of here, and a little bit of there, plus different places in between; that's where I've been heading lately. Not quite sure where to go, just a brief outlook on the place I would like to see myself posted. There are some clues on the things I'm good on and things I'm not good on, but they show up at different times looking for another deviation of where it stands with me. I'm still trying to figure out who the hell I am in this crazy place called, 'the world'. There were spots I thought I was okay with as far as accompanying someone on their walk, but soon figured out I'm losing sight of what I would like to be doing and ventured off on my own. The numbers have been narrowed down considerably in regards to who I actually choose to spend time with these days. Maybe I'm too critical of things, but even if that is the case, it's been working for me as time has been showing. There's one bro I know I'm cool with just got out of lock down so things are good on that front. My other bro is doing his family thing in Idaho so as far as I know, he's good. The 3rd bro is doing what he does, and as far as I know, he's fine. I owe his son a cd, so that has be placed in his hands sometime soon.

Blogging it still... how crazy...