Two-Thousand-Nine

At some point in time, we like think we have things pretty much figured out. Like things are lined up the way we like to see them, but as time keeps its steady and quiet march, we usually find out things change. Sometimes for the better, and other times for the worse whether we expect it or not. Not only that, it doesn't matter one iota if we even accept what happens, because it just happens. We even have a hand in things changing for others whether it's known or not. It's like we did our thing to have this ripple effect on others, and be apart of the ripple effect from others. I'm still getting exposed to this, but it's a lesson of life definitely making itself known to me. People throw out these waves, big or small, and we throw out our own to our own circles. It's what we throw out there that makes other decide to either stay around or add distance in between to feel less of what's given.

I'm very guarded in how I approach people, or let others approach me. Nothing against anyone, just how I taught myself to protect everything I feel that is worth protecting. The shell of silence is easy to wear for me. I don't rush anything either, just let it play out how it will without me involved. The one spot I let that all go is around family, but that's to be expected. It's also, oddly enough, where I picked up these innate habits. I don't question it anymore, just accepted it as who I am. I can't pretend to be someone I'm not, so I work with what I know is there.

People are people and we have our own ways of interacting, distancing, working, accepting, reasoning, facing, giving, and just plain living out our lives as we see fit. Some may agree, some may not. Others may watch, and others turn away from what we show. I got to a point where it was taken down to bare basics, as in, I want to feel good about myself. Now without excuses, who is trying to help me do that for myself. Who is adding to me being happy with life in general. Who do I feel like I can add some sense of joy because they might need it, or just as a bonus for helping me out somewhere along the line. Those who didn't fit that small criteria got put to the side as far as feeling like I should go out of my way to go see or be around. I have my share of taking away from people's views of being content, so I try to just stop that altogether and let them figure out what they need to while I do the same with me. Whether they do or not shouldn't hinder me going that route.

I've hurt people, disappointed them, and flat out left them hanging at some point in time. Some people turned on me, and some accepted me as a person with faults and flaws to let me hang out still. Being shown that, I try to take that and apply it to myself. I'm not as strong to accept those inflicting damage or hindering my happiness to keep them around, but I see that as an option nonetheless. It's something I know I have to work on at some point in time. It's just hard to let your guard down though, when you know its a gamble attempting such a feat.